This is the best way I can describe it to you: There are days I don’t want to be perceived.

If you are a person who has anxiety or are introverted, I suspect you might understand what I mean by this.

Today was one of those days. Mostly because I found myself tearing up constantly, with minor inconveniences, with my thoughts and fears, just in general. There are days I just get weepy, and today was one of them.

But Kiran needs new glasses. And Eric is working all day.

I teared up asking where the elevator was in JCPenney. I got frustrated when I realized I should have made sure LensCrafters was still located inside the mall where we got his previous pair of glasses (they are not). I teared up walking by the Children’s Museum the second time, as curious young eyes were staring at Kiran as we went past.

I teared up thinking about how most parents will never know all the extra steps it takes to get Kiran in and out of our vehicle. Thinking about how I just spent over $80 on five pairs of seamless socks that got the best reviews for preventing skin irritation for Kiran’s new orthotics (Insurance covered 2 pairs of these socks – 2 – he is supposed to wear them 8-12 hours a day, every day).

Glasses got ordered. We went with what we know works, just with updated prescription and a different color to spice things up a bit. I got overwhelmed when I realized his prescription changed so much that with these new glasses, much like the new orthotics, we will need to ease in and do diligent detective work to make sure he is okay with the change. We will have 30 days to make sure the prescription is right and not too much for him.

Then I thought we’d stop over at our favorite consignment shop for Kiran’s clothes but couldn’t find a single accessible spot with the extra aisle space.

So we drove home, where I got frustrated and teared up several times putting his orthotics on for the first time – and trying to figure out if his new bigger shoes would actually fit over them.

I have a lot of days where these daily situations are just that – daily situations. They are our life, and I am just living it. But it’s been a week – a very overwhelming, stressful week at work – and when you throw in changes to our daily routine at home, well….

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate change? It is really hard. Really hard.

So I’ve teared up a lot today. Cried a little. And just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Because what I always tell Kiran – and the kids I work with – is that we can do hard things.

Even when it sucks. Even when we cry. Even when we really don’t wanna.

I have been reflecting on this since someone said it to me on Friday night. Paraphrasing: “I read your blog … I love how you always make him seem powerful; he never seems vulnerable”

I honestly have never thought about that before. I write very honestly. Most of the time, when I write, it is because I am processing or feeling something that I simply cannot contain. Writing is my therapy. It is my stress relief. It is how I purge my brain or my heart of the whirling tornado they often live in.

What does that mean?

It means that I truly see Kiran as powerful.

It makes sense. I have always been in awe of his strength. His joy in the face of – everything.

When I really examine his life, though, here is the truth: He IS vulnerable. He is dependent on those around him to care for him, to assist and direct him in all “activities of daily living”. It is why it is so important to have a strong team around him. It’s why I have fired medical professionals, why I am particular about respite care providers, why I am so thankful for his core academic team.

I think my writing doesn’t always convey that because I know my intentions with him are to care for him well. He is my priority. Our lives are molded to care for his needs. I try to give him as much say in his life as is possible. I want him to be as independent as it makes sense for him to be.

I also firmly believe that our dependency on others – our vulnerability – makes us powerful. We are stronger together.

It was really one of my most favorite things anyone has ever said to me, but man, it made me think.