I don’t get to choose when it happens. Poor Eric came home this morning from running errands to Kiran and me snuggling in the chair, tears streaming down my face.

I can’t even answer the question “what’s wrong?”

Because it’s nothing. And everything.

We have had massive changes in our lives this past year. Not only have I started working full-time for the first time in Kiran’s life, but Kiran has also been living with us full-time since mid-October.

Since Kiran was two years old, I have had 48 hours every-other-weekend to be someone more than mom. I have had that built-in caregiving break. I have been able to meet up with friends without having to schedule care, clean the house without feeling guilty that he’s bored, run errands without the extra 82 steps required when he is along for the ride. I have been able to get out of town with Eric or with friends and just relax.

It has been a massive adjustment. It is becoming our new normal, but I am still figuring out how to make sure I am okay mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I was reminded today that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to not only continue to find the joy in even the hardest caregiving moments, but also acknowledge the hard that it all is. Breaks are needed, and we have to get more creative in how we make sure we *both* get them. Eric has taken on a lot more caregiving this year, too.

And the burnout is real.

Today, I spiraled because I’m scared. And overwhelmed. This is the first time I have ever been a mama to a disabled ten-year-old. And there are always the new, hard things we have to figure out. And I was feeling like I don’t know how I’m going to do this forever.

There is good news here. I know how I’m going to do this today. And it’s gonna be a good one. And the rest, we will figure out as it comes.

We always do.

It’s my birthday week. It’s a thing in our family – kinda. It’s just a week where we try to make each day just a little special, different. We don’t worry (as much) about spending the money to order a meal in or have a fancy coffee. It’s just celebratory and fun.

Tonight, despite having our regular Wednesday date night respite care scheduled, I hadn’t made any specific plans. Until I stopped to take my 10 minute lunch break just before noon. Then, suddenly, I remembered Clyde’s Fine Diner has oysters and half off bottles of wine on Wednesday nights. Eric has been craving oysters for awhile – and hey, I love oysters too. I started getting really excited for the evening!

As best laid plans do, not even an hour later I heard from our provider (I am not mad or disappointed or anything about this, by the way) that she is sick today. Really unwell. She needs to rest and take care of herself and mend, of course. Plus, we don’t want that garbage in our house (Kiran and I are both exposed to it on the daily at our schools; we don’t need extra).

Still, there is disappointment. So we find ourselves in a typical evening routine. As I’m showering Kiran, trying to not feel the drudgery of the task, I remember the acoustics in his bathroom are perfect for a one-woman concert. And no one appreciates my singing like Kiran. He even joins in sometimes.

So, we make it fun. We make it special. Eric especially stepped up, as he is currently in the kitchen making me some fancy swordfish dish and opening a bottle of red for us to sip on with it.

It’s really not so disappointing, having an extra night at home with my family. Yes, I am doing laundry. Yes, we had to handle the daily caregiving tasks (my mom washed the syringes before she left and Eric blended/filled them for tomorrow, thank goodness!). Oh well. It’s cozy, the couch is comfy, the boy is already happily in bed and likely sleeping.

It is well with my soul.