I cannot place a finger on a for-sure reason why I find myself in this season.

But here I am.

Feeling overly emotional about caregiving lately. Standing at school pickup having to blink back tears as kids run out yelling for their parents. Feeling overwhelmed very quickly with basic, daily caregiving tasks.

Pouring from a near-empty cup, even as I am being more and more intentional about finding ways I can keep it full.

Striking a better balance than I have in a long time, but growth comes with growing pains, I think.

Perhaps I could blame the identity work being done in my current grad school class. Reflecting is necessary but painful.

Or I could blame Kiran’s upcoming IEP meeting. As he gets older, these feel more important – and more difficult.

Or I could blame the never-ending barrage of adult experiences, like what should have been the installation of our new dishwasher today turning into a broken shut-off valve and wet mess.

Maybe.

Maybe, sometimes, I’m just going to be more emotional about the realities of life. I think that’s okay. I think I don’t have to always overthink or understand every nuance of the experience.

Sometimes, I’m just going to feel overwhelmed and sad. Sometimes, I’m just going to grieve heavily the life I imagined for myself.

And, even in the midst of it, I find peace and joy. I think that’s the piece that matters most.

Though days may pass where I can’t find the light, I know its return is imminent.

All I know, at the end of the day, is I do it for him.

Despite my own discomfort or inconvenience. Despite the rapid beating of my heart and my reluctance in necessary confrontation.

When all is said and done, I know my heart is where it should be. And I will keep leaning into the discomfort, the inconvenience, the fear, the challenge – all of it – if it means I can know that I did my best by him.

He is and will forever be my priority, and I will continue to move forward in life holding that truth.