Struggle bus seemed too benign. Too small. I’ve been on the struggle train lately, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why.

I think it has to do with having free time for a change.

I never feel like I am doing enough as Kiran’s mom. There is always so much more we should be working on, more activities I should be taking him to, more education I should be seeking for myself to be the best mom/caregiver/advocate.

Not to mention the more I try to seek out self-care/ therapeutic avenues, the louder all these “not enough” voices become.

I never feel like I’m doing the right thing. Whatever path I choose, wherever my focus lies on any given day, it feels wrong.

And the exhaustion takes its toll sometimes. Despite my best efforts to achieve balance, we are entering another difficult season. I am doing a lot of solo parenting. And I am so thrilled at how Eric’s company is growing and the opportunities he has been given are important for our family. But we already miss having him around as much.

I just hope Kiran – and everyone else who loves him – can see how much I love him. How even if what I can give is not what it should be – and it may never be enough – it is everything within my capacity and with every inch of my heart.

I just wish I had more to pour into him. I wish I knew better ways to fill myself up so I could.

I am trying over here.