Struggle bus seemed too benign. Too small. I’ve been on the struggle train lately, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why.

I think it has to do with having free time for a change.

I never feel like I am doing enough as Kiran’s mom. There is always so much more we should be working on, more activities I should be taking him to, more education I should be seeking for myself to be the best mom/caregiver/advocate.

Not to mention the more I try to seek out self-care/ therapeutic avenues, the louder all these “not enough” voices become.

I never feel like I’m doing the right thing. Whatever path I choose, wherever my focus lies on any given day, it feels wrong.

And the exhaustion takes its toll sometimes. Despite my best efforts to achieve balance, we are entering another difficult season. I am doing a lot of solo parenting. And I am so thrilled at how Eric’s company is growing and the opportunities he has been given are important for our family. But we already miss having him around as much.

I just hope Kiran – and everyone else who loves him – can see how much I love him. How even if what I can give is not what it should be – and it may never be enough – it is everything within my capacity and with every inch of my heart.

I just wish I had more to pour into him. I wish I knew better ways to fill myself up so I could.

I am trying over here.

I’m winging it over here.

Don’t get me wrong; I have the utmost confidence that I am a good mom and caregiver to Kiran. I have all the love in the world – I fight fiercely for him when necessary – I have grown and learned so much along the way.

But I have no idea what I’m doing.

I am constantly exposed to ideas I’ve never thought of and then suddenly have new things to ponder. Changes that need to be made.

Especially as he is getting older, I am thinking so much more about things like dignity and consent, bodily autonomy and respect. These are things I have been thinking about for years now, but I am having to start thinking through things in different ways. Especially as he is getting more involved in the community and has more people caring for him that, often, I don’t get to directly train. Or control.

And let’s face it: I like to control everything, whenever possible.

I know that no parent knows what they are doing, but holy. crap. It’s just always more – “and” – additional things when parenting a disabled child.

I know I’m the expert when it comes to Kiran care, but I am going to need some experts to come alongside me in these transitions to come.