I don’t want to be the decision maker anymore.

Sunday night, maybe an hour after I put Kiran to bed, he cried out for me. Not once, but twice. This is unusual, so immediately, I am putting my detective hat on. I’m on high alert, checking his temp, watching for any signs of illness, trying to figure out what’s going on. Because this is really unusual – this kid loves his sleep.

Some coughs start popping up here and there. They sound rough but not chesty (if you know, you know? maybe)…so it’s an easy decision to keep him home from school Monday. Monitor him all day – no true fever but runs a little warm, especially as the day progresses. Sleeps well but wakes about an hour earlier than his typical morning time Tuesday morning. A much harder decision for me, because *I* had to pry myself away from his cuddly little arms and take myself to school for my current clinical placement. But he stayed home. General consensus from his lovely caregivers that day (shout out to Eric and my mom!) was that he was in good spirits but just seemed a little tired.

To me, it seemed like I probably could have sent him to school yesterday, so I was confident in my decision to send him today. He made it until 2:00, and I got a call from the nurse. Kiran is in her office. He’s in good spirits, but he’s been trying to fall asleep during his diaper changes, and his temp is at 100. So not a true temp and it’s my choice whether to have him stay for the rest of the day. It is SO much harder when it’s not a clear-cut situation, but I always err on the side of caution – and rest – and recovery – at least when it comes to him. So of course I pick him up so he can come home to nap.

So now – NOW – what. Now what?

Unless he gives me a super clear cut path to follow for tomorrow (spikes a fever), I have no idea whether to send him to school or not. He’s welcome back; he could have stayed there today. But it certainly seems like his little body is needing more rest than the school day allows. And – and I HATE that I have factors in my life but I have legitimate factors in my life – I really need tomorrow to put time/effort into a big project because the rest of my week is (hopefully) filled with important family/friend/life things. Which of course I can’t do if he’s truly sick anyway.

This is all just a long gripe, honestly. This is me just sometimes really tired of this situation. I don’t like being a detective. I hate when my boy isn’t feeling well. And I am truly sick to death of feeling like I have a plan for the week – even enter a week in a really balanced place – and it all just crumbles to pieces. I’m sick of the pivot.