There has been an undercurrent of grief in my life lately. Though I have had over eight years to practice, I haven’t quite figured out how to reconcile the complicated emotions that come with being Kiran’s mom.

I find myself envious of Eric’s ability to choose his role in Kiran’s life. I am sure it is because of my need for control in my own life. I didn’t get to choose this life – this version of motherhood.

The truth is (and this is one that is so hard for me to admit): I never would have chosen it.

The other truth: I would never want to change it.

I have had so much practice with various forms of grief in my life. People have even come to me as if I should have some sort of answer about how to navigate grief or how to help loved ones new in the grieving process. As if I’m an expert, somehow.

How can I hold SO much love in my heart for this little boy and be so thankful that I get to be his mom, while still deeply grieving the child(ren) I imagined I would have? While feeling that ache for the type of motherhood I longed for my entire life?

I don’t know. But all of it lives deep in my heart, and it has been seeping out during this season.