Kiran is my favorite human.

I tell him that frequently. It’s the truth. It’s an easy truth, for me. He is the best human I know, and I love him with all that I am.

But the grief hits. Sometimes, it is totally unexpected. Other times, I am able to prepare my mother’s heart.

Tonight, while sitting out on the deck, I heard the neighbor kids playing catch with their dad. Lots of giggling and chatter – and the grief pierced me.

I don’t like it. My brain and my heart work to reason it away. But I also know it’s important to acknowledge it. Own it. Feel it.

I have learned how to live in this space of utter juxtaposition – where I grieve the motherhood I dreamed of my whole life and the child I thought would be mine – while also fully embracing this motherhood that involves caregiving and advocacy and uphill battles and so much paperwork and fighting and the beautiful child I am truly privileged and blessed to call mine.

Not everyone will get it. It’s why I write about it.

There is so much that is so hard but it’s equally beautiful and amazing.

And always. Always. Worth it.

Mom guilt is such a real thing and carrying it around can get so heavy. My load was lightened today.

Kiran’s former feeding therapist, who he saw for 2 1/2 years up until fall/winter 2020, was gracious enough to meet with us to further go over his swallow study results. She has extensive experience working with Kiran, of course, and knows his feeding trajectory well. She also went along to one of his former swallow studies – she is one of those above-and-beyond therapists that come to mean so much to families like mine.

It felt good to go over the swallow study with her. I was glad to receive permission to not work on feeding therapeutically at this time – and it means a lot more coming from her (rather than the SLP who just met Kiran same day) that formal feeding therapy is not indicated at this time.

But the best moment of that meeting was at the end, as we were walking out into the hall to head to Kiran’s physical therapy appointment. I remembered to get her opinion on what I felt was true: that these results were an indication of Kiran’s true swallowing abilities all along and not a matter of regression in skills. She agreed with me – and in that moment, validated me. It means I didn’t fail him during Covid by not keeping up on practicing all the skills we had been working on. It means that even if I had been doing all the things, his body wouldn’t be working properly right now to have a safe swallow.

It means I can drop just a bit of that mom guilt.