Last Thursday night, still processing Kiran’s swallow study results, I decided to do something that made my mama heart so incredibly happy: I got Kiran a Happy Meal from McDonald’s for dinner.

I know – sounds silly – “unhealthy” even (save it) – but it brings me such immense joy sometimes to just let him experience what a typical kid gets to experience. I know that if he was a child who got his nutrients by eating orally that we would sometimes have McDonald’s. Not often, but there would be times. I own that.

So what does that mean, for a kid who can’t safely take in very much food orally? It means he licked a french fry I was firmly holding, and I put his milk, cheeseburger, fries, and apple slices into the blender, where they were pureed to go through his g-tube.

It also meant I had a quarter pounder with cheese and some french fries myself; it’s part of the therapeutic process.

Blending real food for Kiran is one of the things I started doing because it makes me happy. Not the chore of it – at least not always – in fact, more often than not, Eric takes on the monthly task of making 16 different meals in large volumes to freeze – but the knowledge and reality of knowing that he is getting what a typical child his age would eat orally through his tube. Now, let’s be reasonable – his blended meals have far more fruits and vegetables than most going-on-eight-year-olds would eat. But something about blending the occasional oreos and milk as a treat or the only-twice-ever-in-his-life Happy Meal for dinner….

I wish I would have written about this on Thursday, when I had that actual feeling. Earlier this afternoon, I got on MyChart and read the SLP’s full note/report on Kiran’s swallow study, and it was a punch to the gut all over again. It’s hard not to let fear or defeat completely overtake me when I see just how difficult and risky eating is for Kiran.

The cycle of grief I continually experience gets so heavy at times. And it takes time to process, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, a Happy Meal helps.